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- Verified Buyer
This little epic reveals the adventures of a pampered, simpering, intellectually-impaired woman who changes her whole life because a man she hardly knows tells her she should.As a teenager Virginia falls madly in love with Eustace, a young farmer, despite his annoying name and the fact that she has spent five minutes, tops, in his company. No matter, she loves him. Mom, however, isn't gonna throw away her daughter on some yonk in OshKosh B'Gosh overalls. She wants a rich son in law and puts the ki-bosh on farmboy. Mom and daughter go to London, whereupon our heroine finds and marries a rich and titled lawyer who, successfully fulfilling his contribution to the plot, dies. We learn that Virginia's marriage was melancholy because she never stopped Yearning For Eustace. Plus, she didn't have that much to do. The Nanny was raising the children, the Husband (until he shuffled off the mortal coil) was busy with work, the servants ran the estate. Virginia apparently just sat around sighing over her Lost Love and and counting her 11 fingers and 9 toes (not counting the webs).Anyway, Virginia is now rich and titled herself, and still stupid as an ox. But AHA, now she is free. Hubby isn't even cool to the touch and she's off and running, dumping the kids and their nanny with the MIL and hightailing it to a friend's house, conveniently located right about where Eustance is still pushing that plow.But stand back, here's another plot twist. In a town of maybe 40 people, Virginia can't find Eustace. Nope. So she goes to her old friends and plops on their lawn, heartbroken. There she sits for weeks and weeks, all the spirit gone out of her. And then, A Miracle. Across a field, she sees a wee teeny little speck. It gets larger and larger, it's a man on a tractor. No, wait...could it be...Yes it is. One thing you have to admit, the woman has eyes like a pair of Bushnell Field Spotters with Nightvision.Gone is the ennui, the melancholy, the lassitude. She pitches out of her chair and rushes across the acres to say Hi-DEE-doo, Baby! However Eustace (a real fun guy) is shocked to learn that she left her children in London. He scolds her for this. Then he criticizes her clothing and for not wearing a hat (she could have gotten sunburnt, the mad cow). Our heroine is aquiver with lust and remorse. Mr. Laff Riot concludes by pointing out that he also doesn't like her staying with friends instead of taking her own place. For some reason, Eustie is anti-guest. Anyway, he orders her to move out, get her own place, and then high tail it to London to fetch the kiddies Pee-ron-to.Any sentient woman on the planet would have clocked the jerk before he finished the first sentence, but not Virginia. Our Gal is besotted by all that Manly Ordering About. Slapping her thigh and neighing, she gallops off to rent the first unsuitable house she can find. And fortunately, there is a real loser up for grabs: a dark and dismal ruin without a kitchen or cooking area, bereft of furniture, appliances, pots, pans, plates, blankets, curtains, hot water or central heating. Empty (see how nicely the title fits in) and falling apart. Coolio. Virginia snaps it up.Anyway, she's in too much of a hurry to get bogged down by details. She just wants to be crushed to Eustance's manly chest. The sooner she works out the housing problem and schleps her kids over, the the sooner The Sweet Mysteries of Love will come to pass.Virginia gallops here, she gallops there accomplishing little but annoying readers much, and finally she gallops off to London without bothering to tell her remarkably patient hostess she's leaving. But oh, this is not an easy journey. First our heroine must Take a Train Ride. This is an ordeal that makes Eliza crossing the floe ice seem like a picnic in the country. And what, might you ask (go ahead, ask, don't be shy) made the journey such a horror? Because, gentle reader, Virginia is a moron.First, she has to go through the agonies of finding out when the train leaves and the terrifying ordeal of buying a ticket. Have Mercy, it gets worse. She can't so much as order a cup of tea on the train without it become trial by fire. She can't find a place to perch. Wandering desperately up and down the railroad car, she is oblivious to the fact that those seat-like things lining the walls are, in fact, seats. So it goes...horror piled upon horror: some middle class people with really unacceptable accents sit near her. Just like that! Well, Virginia survives, but barely. And this is only the first circle. It gets worse.Mrs. Odysseus suffers greatly during the 90 minute trek from the suburbs to London. Juice is spilled on her. Her scarf becomes creased. She cannot figure out how to raise her suitcase from the floor. She grows hungry, eventually stumbling upon the dining car but is unable to crack the menu code or figure out how to get the same food the other passengers are enjoying delivered to her table. She barely escapes with her life.As her panic grows she turns desperately to her fellow passengers for assistance. The same ones whose middle class accents made her recoil in horror. She throws herself at their mercy, begging them to give her their food and their thermos of tea. Sadly, they prove to be anarchists or worse. Not only do they not doff their caps in her honor...she is, after all, Titled, but they refuse to turn over the eats. They snub her and make her cry...AND they do it in those unspeakable suburban accents of theirs. Virginia is distraught to the point of suicide. Unfortunely, she Chooses Life and does not end it all under the train. Although by now the reader is thinking about it.Just so you understand things: Virginia is a 30-year-old wealthy, educated woman taking a brief train ride. To London. In the 1990s. She's not taking the El Suicido Express through the Khyber Pass at the height of rabies-infected wolverine season during the Time of the Great Massacre, for Pete's Sake. Finally, just before the reader puts down the book and sticks his/her head in the oven, the journey ends and Virginia, alive but unkempt, manages to detrain...albeit not without trepidition. She is carrying an overnight case, don't forget, and there is that step down onto the platform. I Can Do It, she cries to herself, and sure enough, she manages to get off the train without further injury. Bolstered by this victory, she hastens over to the MIL's place, grabs the kids, fires poor old Nanny on the spot (Thanks for all those years of faithful service and raising my kids. Don't let the door hit you in the butt.)Kids in tow, Virginia drives pellmell back to the country to strike while Eustance is hot. But it's not that easy. Virginia must face still more trials. She and the kids arrive at the "house" and she can't fix them any food, of course, because there are no cooking facilities. Oh, and also she can't cook. But that's not important because she forgot to buy food anyway. Hungry,thirsty and tired, they all fall into bed. Or they would have, if the house had a bed. Or bedrooms. Or blankets. Or pajamas. Anyway, the kids hunker down as best they can and the book could have ended here, with the whole pack of them dying from lack of food, exposure, and sleeping standing up.Sadly for the reader, Eustance comes to the rescue. He surveys the "house," the hole where the ceiling should have been, the hole where the walls once stood, the empty spaces where furniture once belonged. He sees her hungry, hollow-eyed children. And he is content. "Silly woman, I will teach you to light a stove (yeah, as if the house has a stove!) and make tea (like she bought tea!)" he rumbles in that masculine voice that Virginia can feel all the way down to her toes. He is pleased that she is A) helpless and docile, B)gaga over his manly farmer's physique, and C) loaded. So he marries her, and consequently gets his meathooks into all those millions she inherited from Hubby No. 1). And trust me, ol' Eustace ain't looking to me like the kind to sit still for a prenup. However and praise be, the book concludes at this point, so we miss the couple's days of wedded bliss which, I sincerely hope, ended when Scotland Yard found Virginia's remains in Eustace's basement.I know a lot of people enjoy reading Rosamund Pilcher, but take it from me, if you like "cozy" style novels about the English countryside, read Marcia Willett. Her stories are better, her characters are three dimensional, their problems hit home, and you don't want to crack them in the head with a croquet mallet. Ms. Willett can write rings around Ms. Pilcher. Start with A Summer In the Country.
